You have everything you need. You love your life and the people surrounding you. You thank God, the universe or your lucky stars that you’re still alive and healthy.
Deep down you know that there were times that you wished you were dead. It’s just a quick passing thought then you’re back to living the life again, but sometimes it lingers. You start to wince when you see your own image, not knowing that you’re starting to hate it. One day you’ll walk around observing life around you and you think, if my life stopped this world would go on.
“Is life worth living?”
For you, there is no answer yet.
Remember when you momentarily wished you were dead? It has now found a home inside of you and it won’t tell you where it lives.
When you rest your head on the pillow, what becomes the last thought in your head? Is it you standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down? Or an image of a rope tying itself on the ceiling as if a ghost is beckoning you to a rightful end? But your mind only stops and stares. Each day you’ll find another reason to get closer to the edge, until eventually you’ll make the jump.
But it’s all in your head right?
You think about it just before sleeping. Playing it in your head over and over until one day you don’t feel like sleeping anymore.
Chances are you never told anyone, because it’s all in your head. How do you begin to describe to people, the numbing pain inside your head without hurting yourself just to make them only see (not even feel) how much your own mind hurts you.
Months ago, you thought how silly of you to think that way, but maybe life’s got you down for a little while or it’s been that way for what seems like forever. So, now you’re feeling a little restless, a tad hopeless, maybe even scared about the future. You think you’re bothering people when you tell them you can’t sleep at night. You look at everyone else and they seem to have it together.
Months ago, you would have chuckled to yourself. “Aw, I’m so morbid,” you casually joked.
Today, you might think you’ve finally had enough. You look at images of your loved ones and think, they deserve better. If you were praying to God, you would say, how could the Almighty forgive me?
And when no one was looking, you finally jumped. And this time you weren’t just lying in bed thinking about it anymore.
Coming back to, “Is life worth living?”
You decided that your answer was a NO. But you’re not there to explain to yourself anymore, you never even found out where that little voice inside your head lives, “Kill yourself, you’re worthless.”
“Oh, but life was so good to me. God was so good, how could I ever?”
Exactly, but you still did it anyway. If only we remembered more often that God’s mercy and love for his creation is limitless. Taking your own life means that you don’t think you are worthy of that mercy. But we are not God, and He sees what troubles us at night when no one else is looking. So, don’t let go just yet.
Suicide is not a joke. It’s permanent. Anxiety, depression, the feeling of hopelessness, these are facts. We always say, “that was out of character,” or “we did not see it coming.” But the truth is just hiding in plain sight.
We don’t personally know Chester Bennington, Jonghyun, Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain or the countless others who took their own life. So we will never know.
But you know your friends and family, or the people that you work with. And no matter what anybody says, there are signs of a fragile mind, because depressed people are humans too and they can’t impeccably hide it forever. It’s up to us to watch over the people that we care about.
It’s concerning with the increase of individuals casually joking about killing themselves. Maybe because jokes can be half-meant. We’ve become a society that is hard-pressed on becoming detached to our emotions, why do we do that? Are we running away from the discomfort that our emotions bring?
We don’t have to hide our sadness or pain. Humans are social beings, no matter how “anti-social” you think you are. We need one another. So take the time to talk to your family and friends.
Ask them how are they feeling? They might need that. You’ll only find out if you ask.
If you feel alone, helpless and hopeless, don’t feel that you are bothering people when you try to reach out. Chances are they too are silently suffering.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in your own misery that you might fail to see that everyone you have seen today may also be going through something that you don’t know about.
So if you’re feeling sad too, don’t be afraid to ask someone how they are. Even if you’re the one who needs it. Chances are you’ll be able to relate to other people’s problems.
And when we find more common things that link as together, only then we will realize that we really are not alone.
So, to my dear family and friends, how are you feeling today?